Why I’d Die in a Zombie Apocalypse…And Why You Would Too

The past few weeks have seen an uprising in the American past time of coming up with your zombie contingency plan. With the devastating events that took place on the MacArthur Bridge in Miami where Rudy Eugene attacked Ronald Poppo and ate nearly all of his face off, the threat of a zombie apocalypse 2012 is on everyone’s mind. One blog has already set its goals behind gathering up all the cases even possibly related to zombies, from absurd ways to ward off the police (hint, it involves throwing pieces of your own flesh) and Hazmat teams detaining schools. Now, while disturbing the story of Eugene, who was high on “bath salts” (not the soapy kind) did like, so many others out there made me question my own zombie survival plan as I sat down to eat my hamburger Memorial Day weekend. Not wanting to brag, but I have watched many zombie films, played many zombie games and have won my campus’s game of HvZ two semesters in a row. You can have my autograph I you ask nicely. But despite all these achievements, when the zombie apocalypse does come, I’m just as dead as the rest of you. Here’s why.

 

1)      You Aren’t As Physically Capable As You Think

I would consider myself to be in fairly decent shape, and by fairly decent I mean I do not become winded by walking up the stairs. In all of my zombie survival scenarios, taking into account where I would go, who would be with me, how I would get places; I never take into consideration just how much running, sweaty unpleasantness triumphing over the undead would be. This is not to say that there are not people who could outrun a zombie, but if there is one thing that Zombieland got right it has to be cardio. If you are going through your friends thinking who it is you can outrun and coming up with nada, I’m sorry but you will be the friend that gives the rest of them a little more time. And cardio is not the only aspects of physical prowess necessary- there is jumping, climbing, and a whole mess of stuff that they got rid of in gym class and replaced with kickball. If you couldn’t climb a rope in gym class, then you probably won’t be able to climb that fence to safety.  But maybe kicking a rubber ball straight into a zombie’s head will help. But don’t worry, you won’t be long separated from your friends as they will die because…

 

 

2)      Using a Gun is Not as Easy as You Think

I have horrible aim and so whenever I plan my great escape from the infested streets of New Jersey as well as when the zombie apocalypse happens, I’d use a melee weapon. One, there are no bullets to worry about accidentally shooting my friends with or restocking and like I said I know I have atrocious aim and coordination. And while the general public may think it’s just pulling the trigger and suddenly there is a headshot, you have to keep in mind: running, screaming, distractions (zombies coming at you from behind, front, sides all ready to eat your brain). All of these will aid in you not shooting a zombie in the head or even in the legs, but most likely their torso and even more likely a big inanimate object  like a house or a very large tree. But it’s okay, that safe house you are running wildly firing your gun behind you as you go won’t be the greatest because…

 

 

3)      There is Already a  Group of Survivor’s in Your Zombie Free Eden

 

Everyone has the right in idea in getting away from people in a world run by zombies and that is the problem; the main goal of every survival plan is get out into the country. Now in the country there is a lot of space, big wide zombie free spaces where you can sleep under the stars and think of the most creative ways to stop a zombie.  That is, if you get to those wide open spaces. As far as getting to that cabin or private island or hijacking a plan to fly to Hawaii or Alaska, two places the zombies won’t get to ( one because of an ocean, the other because of Sarah Palin) you have to realize there was already  group closer and quicker and already living there. And they won’t be so welcoming because the thing to remember in the zombie apocalypse is to keep your numbers small and quiet- more people means more competition for food, resources and the stronger chance that you’ll get into bigger fights and more apocalypse rape type scenarios ( a la 28 Days Later). This is not saying do not try, but the likely scenario for the majority of the population is that on the way to the remote countryside where the deer and the antelope run from zombies as well is that the you die along the way. But that might not be the only reason you die.

 

 

4)      Your Human Emotion and Sentiments May Very Well Get in the Way of Your Survivability

Losing friends and family and death alone are quite possibly my two biggest fears. And also showing my bare stomach and chest in public- but for a completely different reason. However though I might fantasize about my badassery, wielding the katana I looted from a martial arts supply store and my simultaneous deodorant flame throwing abilities (In my head it works); I’d die not for any weapon malfunction, but because of my family and friends and my love for them. Not to be sappy, but those two things tend to be high on my list. I don’t plan on leaving friends and family because without them there is not very much to live for in a zombie filled world. My mom trips I’m going to stop to help her up. My dad’s leg gets grabbed; I’ll do my damnedest to get him away from the corpsy hands. Or I become so terrified I shit my pants while simultaneously running into five other zombies and meeting my own demise while cowardly running from that of my friends and family. In any case, for most people even though they’d like to think that they could be all cool and not care and maybe I have too much faith in humanity to still think that. But, my best bet for survival is to not know what happens to family and friends, keep on trucking in the hopes of seeing them one more time or that we find each other.  If I’m with them, I’m bound to die because they are old and not as prepared as my generation.

 

 

So there it is, the reasons the majority of us are going to die in the zombie apocalypse- not to suck all of the fun out of them. Just trying to be a bit honest. I would think anyone who reads the site would get at least one kill, after all we have prepared at least a little bit.

Now excuse me while I go evaluate my summer scenario plans. They mostly involved getting to the coast and getting a farmer’s tan while taking out the zombified versions of the Jersey Shore cast. And Chris Christie.

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