Thrown into the Real World: Hogwarts Houses

If you’re like me, you’ve thought extensively about your life in Hogwarts. What class would you excel in? What teacher would you hope to have as a mentor? What mythical creature terrifies you most? Personally, it’s Potions, McGonagall, and Mandragoras, because babies terrify me. However, the most important feature for students of Hogwarts is the Houses. The House you are sorted into not only dictates much of the social aspect of Hogwarts, but also in what areas of magic you excel in. What would happen if the magical world collapsed and the students were sent into the Muggle world? Where would they end up?

Hufflepuffs are kind and caring. They are exceptional in the classes of Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures. Hufflepuffs would make outstanding veterinarians, because they also despise conflict, and animals don’t tend to be confrontational when heavily anesthetized. They need to come home to a big family, because the thought of being alone terrifies them. Puffs who didn’t do so hot in school are likely to join the circus where they can sleep in gross dog piles and feed animals they have zero experience with.

Gryffindors are the what most people identify as, but very few people have what it takes. They are fueled by passion and the hope for glory. They desire to be seen as heroes and hate to sit on the sidelines of life. Professional athletes are likely to be sorted here. Their drive is intense, and sometimes reckless. I like to imagine that LeBron James and Harry Potter could’ve hung out. Gryffs that can’t keep up as athletes end up on YouTube in stupid stunt videos, or maybe as professional morons on Jackass.

Ravenclaws are known for a fierce curiosity and a yearning to know more than anyone else. They are open to wild ideas and are eager to explain the future rather than the past. They are anxious around conflict and avoid it, but Claws will get especially fussy if they are ignored when trying to talk. In my mind, Ravenclaws are those who flood Silicon Valley with voracity for new technology. Everyone’s app is better, and everyone is the next Bill Gates. Although it’s unlikely that a Ravenclaw did poorly in school, they have a tendency to take their knowledge out on others. So it’s likely that Claws spend a lot of time correcting people’s grammar and facts on YouTube.

Slytherin is a feared word. However, they do pump out some of the greatest wizards of all time. They fear embarrassment and loss of power. Although Slytherins are more unified than most, they are very petty. They also desire fame, but strictly for themselves, and hate to see others in their limelight. The future is of no interest to them and they cling heavily to the past. Basically, whether they did well or not, Slytherins are probably all in politics.

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