7 Types of Robots I Wish Existed

I think it’s about time that we stand up, collectively, and tell the powers-that-be that this is not the future we were promised. I mean, when I was a wee thing, running around in my R2D2 Underoos and watching cartoons, I imagined that my adult life would be more like George Jetson’s and less like, well, my parents’. That’s right! We were promised hover cars and robots and what do we have? Same old gas guzzlers on rubber tires that are parents had and robots in the form of, what? Those self-checkouts at the grocery store that always cop an attitude about placing the tomatoes just so in the bagging area? Sure, iPads are cool and all, but they are not C3PO. So here’s my list of demands. I want the following seven robots put into production. And when do I want them? Now!

Chirobot

I’m getting older. I have aches and pains in places I didn’t even know existed in my body. And frankly, those massage chairs they sell? Those seem like a scam to me. So give me a robot that, with one quick scan, knows exactly where I need to be adjusted and kneaded. Whose delicate metal hands know just where I need some TLC. I know we’re capable of delicate robots, I’ve seen the YouTube video of the robot sorting socks.

Robocopper

Okay, not like the one from the movies. These should have no latent memories or arch nemesis or what have you. But think about it. There are some great cops in the world, but then there are some, well, not so great. So let’s get rid of the worry of bad seed policeman altogether by assigning the task to robots. They’ll be impartial and unbiased. We can program them with lie detection software to root out the bad guys. And, if we make them imposing enough, we won’t even have to arm them with guns or robo-lasers. Think about public safety!

H.Y.P.O.B.O.T. or Flav-o-Flavrobot

You know when you have those days when you have to put doing the dishes down as your greatest accomplishment? Or you’ve crossed off a hundred things from your To Do list, but it still feels like you’re drowning in a sea of chores and work? When life just gets to you? Well, you need a hype man! (Or at least a hype robot). This robot would be made for just that sort of day. So as you polish that last dish, he’ll drop a sick beat, introduce you as you walk into every room, and tell you, “Put your arms in the air! And you wave ‘em like you just don’t care!” And you know what? You probably won’t.

Taxi Cabot

This is selfish, but I just find small talk in confined spaces odious. So if a machine were driving me around, the pressure to ask about his family or answer cutesy questions about where I was going would be lifted. Win! Plus, the robot wouldn’t smell funny or go the long way or expect a huge tip. Double win!

Best Friends Forobot

When I put forward the question “What kind of robots would you like to see now?” to my Facebook friends, some of them gave me some great answers. The others answered with some variation of “the girlfriend experience”. What can I say? My friends are creeps. But it got me thinking; we’re all so lonely so much of the time. Wouldn’t it be great if there were someone around who was programmed to think you were the bee’s knees? Who would listen and give you insightful answers and, most importantly, laugh at your jokes? I don’t mean a pet; we all know that those Tamagotchis were a lot of work for very little reward, but a best friend who you could do best friend things with. And I should probably make it clear for my friends on Facebook that I do not mean best friends with benefits.

Mr. Belevebot

I think I’ve already mentioned that I’m lazy. I’m lazy. I don’t like cleaning. I don’t like yard work. I sometimes even find moving prepared foods from the freezer into the microwave an overwhelming task. So give me a robot that can handle the mundane chores of this world for me! Please! This way I’ll have more time for focusing on real problems, like world hunger or what WAS the name of the actor who played Data? They can even give my butler robot a dash of attitude while they’re at it, just to keep things lively. Who knows, a British accent and some outlandish situations, and my robot and I might even get a quirky sit-com deal in the process.

Hoverbot

You know what? Screw it. Give me my childhood dreams in one slick self-propelled flying machine and I’ll be a happy puppy. Problem solved.

 

vintage robot stock photography courtesy of Shutterstock

police robot stock photos courtesy of Bigstock

 

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