5 Comic Book Thrashings to Remember — Always!
Number five
Hal Jordan lost it when his hometown was destroyed. In the Emerald Twilight storyline, he tried to recreate it only for a moment using the light constructs from his ring. The braintrust of aliens in charge of the Green Lantern Corps tried to reprimand him, but that only set him off worse. Hightailing it to Oa, Jordan recharged his ring from the central battery and attempted to get back to earth to recreate his hometown for real. In the process, he killed and confiscated the power rings of every Green Lantern Corps member in his path. Geoff Johns has since retconned this event to claim that Hal was possessed by the Parallax entity at the time, essentially negating the greatest comic book hissy fit of all time.
Number four
Batman came out of retirement in Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns amidst political instability and social decay. Rebooting his crime-fighting career was off the agenda according to the Reagan-esque president and his lackey, Superman. Superman offered Batman a chance to quit of his own accord. The Dark Knights response: suit up and beat the Kryptonian but good!! In a clear demonstration that Batman is the most frightening strategic mind on the planet, he timed his chemical-induced heart attack with the final blow of Superman’s comeuppance. To all the world, it appeared that Batman died putting the Caped Crusader in his place. In truth, his heart was temporarily stopped just long enough for him to be buried; then his new Robin rescued him and started a much larger underground vigilante movement. The page revealing Batman’s pulse spike when he revives also shows that Superman hears his heart start again. Some have said that the glance Superman gives Robin was a knowing tip of the hat, but I will venture that there might have been some acceptance that he wasn’t just physically bested but mentally defeated as well.
Number three
Wolverine has had a long-running grudge match with Sabretooth. Whether they are brothers, father/son, clones, cousins, or frat bros has never really been divulged. Needless to say, they hate each other. When Xavier brought Sabretooth into the X-Mansion to attempt to rehabilitate him, Wolverine fell into a dark mood. After a long period of mulling it over, Wolverine finally decided to put Sabretooth out of everyone’s misery. One of the best fight scenes ensues thanks to Adam Kubert’s great artwork. The final moments unfold with Wolverine pinning Sabretooth against the wall and holding Sabretooth’s face between two of his three claws. Sabretooth taunts him to “pop” the middle claw over and over. Just when you think that this fight will end like every other one, where the hero shows that he won’t sink to the same level as the murderous swine that he is bringing to justice, Sabretooth’s taunts are cut off with the signature Wolverine SNIKT being muffled by Sabretooth’s grey matter.
Number two
Humanity got the beatdown of its life amidst a hoard of the undead by… humans. In Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead, Zombies rise up to destroy everything. But the true thrashing in this brilliant book comes not from the zombies but from the other survivors. Kirkman shows that even in with rotting corpses ambling down the street beside us, we can still be our own worst enemies. This comes across most when surviving police officers Rick and Shane are arguing about how the survivors should be led and Shane pulls a gun on his friend only to be shot and killed by Rick’s son. This is the icing on the cake for a world that has thoroughly beaten itself into the apocalypse.
Number one
The ultimate thrashing in comic books, in my humble opinion, comes when Omni-man turns his bloodlust against the Defenders of the Globe and murders every last one of them. That in itself would be enough to make the average everyman hero throw in the towel, but what happens when that everyman hero happens to be Invincible, Omni-man’s only son? That’s right, Invincible stands up to his father only to be completely, wholly, and undeniably stomped. The mid-air slapfest ends with Invincible being flung through a mountain and lying in his own escaping bodily fluids. Omni-man flees the planet in a rage, at what he has done and what he must now do.
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