Troll 2: Coming In Swinging At Round 2

In case you missed the first one of these: welcome to the series where I subject myself to the worst movies of all time and hope my sanity holds.

Today’s threat to my mental stability is a movie you might be familiar with, because, well—

*clears throat*

“They’re eating her…and then they are going to eat me…OH MY GOD!”

Welcome to Troll 2.

Would you believe, as these things go, that famous meme is not even the weirdest scene? Because even a tentative diving into this wretched movie is a master class IN DOING SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE.

For example, here are some quick fun facts:

1. There is no prequel to Troll 2.
2. Troll is about something utterly different.
3. Troll 2 has no trolls in it.

Now, if needed, have a sit-down, as that may have induced a low-level stroke, but, once you are better, we must continue: the madness does not stop.

We have not even gotten to the corn-based romance scene yet.

Before that insanity, though, we need to get the usual out of the way: the movie is bad in every way there is for a movie to be bad. Looking back on it now is a hazy memory sewage spill of suspiciously free milk, green slime, and time-freezing powers. The movie is an eyesore, pure and simple. The goblins (yes, the villains are goblins) appear to be burlap sacks wearing cheap Halloween masks.

Troll 2‘s Goblins Should Have Been TROLLS

Now, with that said, somehow, by the grace of God, Troll 2 occasionally manages to be a horror movie. A bad one, mind you, but at least recognizable as such. I’ll admit the ending scene even got a bit spooky. But, never, ever, is any tension achieved in this movie because of the goblin’s designs.

And then there are the characters. The protagonist is a kid, and the child acting is…well, lately we’ve gotten good child acting in stuff like Stranger Things.

This is not that.

Troll 2’s acting is like staring into a pit of Lovecraftian horror. Thespians everywhere should use it as a source of inspiration and affirmation of their own vastly better skills at the craft. The actress for the female antagonist must be starving because of how much she ravenously chews the scenery.

In Troll 2, Good Acting Is The First Horror Victim

But, to be a proper review, we must get to the plot. And what a plot it is. I’m pretty sure no one expected a movie called Troll 2 to be about a young boy getting help from the ghost of his grandfather—but I didn’t expect a “double-decker bologna sandwich” to be how you scare off a horde of goblins either, so, clearly, I’m just not operating on the same mental level as this film.

If I had any say in the matter, I would consider a movie where more than half the scenes seem to be about someone being tricked/forced into eating a green slime a lost cause.

Perhaps the writers were kids who really hated eating their vegetables? I have no idea.

But, regardless, if someone told me Troll 2 was made intentionally bad, I would instantly believe them.

I could go on for a while with this, I could talk about how naming the town goblin backward and treating it as a plot twist is insulting, or how no one would consider bread with a green thick glaze on it a normal food item, but, I promised you corn, and I can think of no better way to wrap up this review.

Because there’s seduction via corn.

Troll 2 Is A Lot More Than Just A Little Bit Corny

The woman previously mentioned seduces a boy with corn on the cob, covers him in popping popcorn (in possibly the worst innuendo put to film), and then makes like plant life and just leaves.

This article was long, but, to state my opinion simply: I don’t recommend this film. Watch Troll 2 only with friends if you absolutely must. Do not brave it alone. While Birdemic was physically painful to sit through, Troll 2 is a movie demanding harsh riffing, and, if you have funny friends, it could be a blast to tear a hole in its stupid face.

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