Game of Thrones: “Mockingbird”

Lots of good things in “Mockingbird” (not so much the actual person that “Mockingbird” is referring to, because pedophilia and all)! Let’s start with Tyrion and his quest for a champion. Poor guy: saves a whole kingdom just to have them all turn on him when things get tough.

Jaime, forever the loyal brother, obviously cannot fight due to his lack of sword hand. Bronn was offered a (possible, with incident) lordship and a shiny (albeit dimmer) new wife, Lollys Stokeworth. In the books, she was pregnant after being raped (a lot) when the villagers stormed Joffrey’s host on the way back to the castle. They replaced that bit with Sansa nearly being assaulted and the Hound swooping in to save her at the last minute. I didn’t think we’d ever get a mention of Lollys, but hey!

Anyway, Bronn’s like, “I prefer to live.” And now we spend the rest of the episode stressing over how Tyrion will ever win a trial by combat without a champion?

HOLY RECAST BATMAN. The Hound’s big brother, the Mountain, is in town with his new (more teddy bear-ish) body, doing what he does best: killing people. “Gregor Clegane, I choose you,” says Cersei.

Arya and the Hound meet some random guy who is slowly dying in a deserted village. Arya gives her moving “nothing is just nothing” speech and the Hound gives the poor fellow a quick death. The Hound gives Arya a quick lesson on where the heart is before someone jumps on his back and bites (hey, it’s Biter!) his neck. Arya uses her heart to heart lesson with the Hound to kill the other man and they’re on their way.

Sadly, this man was not a vampire and human teeth tear a lot worse. When Arya tries to help Sandor clean his wound, he backs away, the way he does from any kind of flame. He looks so defeated in this scene, remembering when his brother burned him as a child. Really can’t hate the Hound anymore.

Thorne makes Jon put Ghost away, which is totally rude. Ghost is a much better character than Alliser Thorne, who doesn’t even listen to Jon when he tells them to seal the tunnel. That’s about all for the Wall this week!

What? HBO actually went out of their way to not show a sex scene? That’s right, folks, Dany and Daario are already getting it on. I would have preferred at least one lonely night of Dany with one of her handmaidens before they jumped right into this weird pairing (you can’t even make a good mash-up couple name for them! Go on, you try), but that’s just me. Jorah watching Daario leave Dany’s chambers first thing in the morning? Ooh, harsh.

They make up for the lack of sex with Melisandre’s naked body for at least two minutes. Is it the lighting or is her hair really not that red? I always wondered if Shireen would play an important role, and it appears that she will. Can’t wait to see what they do with that.

Brienne and Podrick have a nice dinner—until Hot Pie shows up and will not shut up about how to make a nice kidney pie. He seems like a total waste of time until she mentions the Starks and he brushes them off. He eventually comes back to tell Brienne that he knew Arya. This is kind of big! Arya is presumed dead still, in the books, so I wonder if this knowledge will have Brienne deviate a bit from the original plot.

Okay, seriously though. Oberyn Martell is such a badass! He tells us a heart-wrenching story of how he met Tyrion when he was still a baby and how he was the biggest disappoint.

“’That’s not a monster,’ I told Cersei, ‘that’s just a baby.’”

See, Oberyn knows that Cersei has wanted Tyrion dead since he was born. She called him a monster and blamed him for her mother’s death. Oberyn is not interested in Cersei’s personal vendetta against her little brother, rather in vengeance for his sister and her children. This emotional scene ends perfectly, with Oberyn stating that he will be Tyrion’s champion, at last ready to “pay his debt” to Gregor Clegane.

We spend the last part of this episode with Sansa at the Eyrie, where snow is falling. Homesick, Sansa builds a miniature Winterfell before Robin comes out and destroys it. He starts throwing a fit and Sansa finally gives him the bitch-slap he deserves.

I don’t even want to talk about that disgusting kiss between Petyr and Sansa. I’ve been dreading it all season. It was necessary, though, as Lysa finally goes off her rocker, a reaction to witnessing it from the window. She calls for Sansa, going completely insane and holding the Stark girl over the infamous Moon Door (that face, though). Petyr intervenes and comforts Lysa, telling her that he’s only ever loved one woman: Catelyn Stark.

And then he makes the bad lady fly.

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